These Terms of Service govern your use of services offered by Peregrin Arc and its forty-two (42) subsidiary operations. By using any service, you agree to these terms. The subsidiaries operate independently. Their services differ. These terms apply to all of them regardless. The holding company holds. The terms govern.
The services provided by Peregrin Arc subsidiaries are real services. Documents filed are filed. Certificates issued are issued. Determinations made are made. The filings, certificates, and determinations are not legally binding instruments under any jurisdiction's law. They are, however, genuine artifacts of genuine institutions operating in good faith within a clearly absurdist context.
The services are provided for entertainment, creative, and commemorative purposes. They are not legal filings, not professional certifications, not medical or financial advice, not substitutes for actual legal, financial, psychological, or bureaucratic services. If you need an actual certificate of something, consult the actual certifying authority. We are not them.
We note that our certificates are, in many cases, more attractive than theirs.
Paid products from Peregrin Arc subsidiaries may include: downloadable PDF certificates, premium confirmation emails, determinations, assessments, and similar artifacts. Each product is described on the relevant subsidiary's website. What is described is what is delivered. No product confers legal status, professional certification, or institutional standing of any kind beyond the standing conferred by the issuing institution itself, which is considerable within its own framework.
Payment for products is processed by Stripe, Inc. Peregrin Arc does not collect, store, or have access to your payment card information. All financial transactions occur on Stripe's secure infrastructure. By completing a purchase, you also agree to Stripe's Terms of Service.
Subscription products (where offered) are billed on the stated recurring schedule. Subscriptions may be canceled at any time through Stripe's customer portal. Cancellation ends the subscription at the close of the current billing period. The service rendered during that period is complete and was delivered.
Digital products are delivered by email or download link following payment confirmation. Delivery is automated. If you do not receive your product within one hour of purchase, contact us at [email protected]. Please include your order confirmation number. We will locate your product. It has been filed somewhere. We will find it.
All content on Peregrin Arc and its subsidiary websites — including text, design, institutional names, certificates, determinations, seals, and associated copy — is the intellectual property of Peregrin Arc. Products delivered to you (certificates, PDFs, digital artifacts) are licensed for personal use. You may display them, share them, and frame them. You may not reproduce or sell them. You may not establish a competing institution offering Certificates of Mootness without prior arrangement. The market for mootness determinations is understood to be finite.
Peregrin Arc and its subsidiaries are not liable for: any reliance on certificates, determinations, or filings as legal instruments; any consequences of filing a document you should not have filed; any existential discomfort arising from a Determination of Reasonableness finding your expectations unreasonable; any blunders committed despite possession of a Certificate of Classic Blunder Avoidance; or any other outcome of engaging with our services.
The services are complete upon delivery. The archive is permanent. The determinations are final. The liability is limited. All of these things are true simultaneously.
These Terms are governed by the laws of the State of Illinois, United States of America, without regard to its conflict of law provisions. Disputes shall be resolved in the courts of Cook County, Illinois, or through binding arbitration, at Peregrin Arc's election. The Board has not yet elected. The motion is pending.
Peregrin Arc may update these Terms at any time. The updated Terms will be posted at this address. The date of last revision appears below. Continued use of any subsidiary service after a revision constitutes acceptance of the revised Terms. The revision will be noted. It will be filed.
Services rendered by Peregrin Arc subsidiaries are complete upon delivery. Certificates, once issued, are issued. Filings, once filed, are filed. Determinations, once made, are final. Premium subscriptions may be canceled at any time; the cancellation will be processed and the subscription will end at the close of the current billing period.
Refunds are available within seven (7) days of purchase if the service has not yet been delivered. If the service has been delivered, the service is complete. Delivery constitutes the product. A delivered certificate is a certificate. A filed document is filed. These conditions cannot be undone, and we would not undo them if they could be.
To request a refund for an undelivered service, contact [email protected] with your order confirmation number and a brief statement of the situation. Your request will be reviewed. A determination will be made. If the determination is in your favor, the refund will be issued within five (5) business days.
Your request will also be filed.
Subscription cancellations take effect at the end of the current billing period. No partial-period refunds are issued. The billing period that was paid for was a billing period that was served.
Peregrin Arc — Consumer Affairs
[email protected]
Response time: typically within two business days.
Your inquiry will be acknowledged. It will also be filed.
These Terms of Service and Refund Policy apply to all commercial transactions conducted through Peregrin Arc subsidiary websites, including but not limited to: Filed., No Further Notes, Moot Point, No Precedent, Previously Held Convictions, The Recusal Office, The Concession Bureau, Closed File, Department of Reasonable Expectations, The Vizzini Institute, Certified Pessimism Coaching, and Sorry We're Missed.
The following Peregrin Arc subsidiaries do not accept payment and are not subject to the commercial provisions of these Terms, though the general terms (Section 2, Section 6, Section 7) apply to their free services:
Already Closed · Trump's Folly · The Final Authority · and Peregrin Arc itself.
The shop at Already Closed is closed. It will remain closed. The terms governing the closed shop are the same terms that govern the closed shop's closure, which is to say: the closure is the policy.